4 Years

I can't believe its been 4 years that Maddison was called to Heaven. 4 years. Each year seems to get worse and worse. I'm not sure why. I guess when I think of all she should be doing like singing in the preschool choir at church. Would she still have black hair? I can still remember the phone call I got like it was yesterday. "Mrs. Feaster, this is Dr. Bradley. Things aren't good. Maddison's heart has stopped and we are working on her right now. You need to come as soon as you can". My heart stopped. Literally. I can remember trying to think of Benjie's cell phone number. I could not think - nothing. I couldn't even remember my parent's number to call them. I finally managed to dial someones number and it happened to be Benjie's boss. I couldn't even talk. He knew something was immediately wrong and sent Benjie home. As he was on the way home I got another call - "Mrs. Feaster, this is Dr. Bradley. Maddison has passed away. We worked on her for 50 minutes and never got her back. Come to Charleston as soon as you can". Those words I'll never forget - Maddison has passed away. I fell to the floor. My baby girl has passed away. I wasn't even with her. They told us not to ccme the day before because we needed to rest. Maddison was doing so good. She was off all her meds and they had started bottle feeding her. They would call us if any change. We called all day long and they told us she was doing remarkably well. So, what did we do - we stayed at home. We didn't go see her. My little girl passed away without her Mommy being by her side. Was she scared? Was she mad because I wasn't there? No family was with her - especially us. I'm so mad at myself for that. I can't believe I wasn't there. I chose to stay at home and rest than be by her side. Would they have let me hold her? We never were given the chance to hold her. Not one time. That long drive to Charleston seemed to take days and days. I could hardly walk in I was shaking so bad. They led us into this room where my precious baby girl was laying underneath a warming light. They had her dressed in a beautiful white smocked dress with a pink hat on her head. She looked so peaceful - like she was sleeping without all those lines and leads going into her. They picked her up and placed her in my arms. I rocked and rocked my precious baby girl for 3 hours. Dr. Bradley's assistant Cathy came in and took pictures of all of us holding Maddison. They even had a minister come in and baptize her for us. They told us to take our time and they closed the door and left us alone. I didn't want to give her up. I wanted to wrap her up and take her home with me. How could I leave her alone again. I didn't want to do it. I finally gave her up to a nurse. I did not want them leaving her alone in that room by herself till they came to get her. A nurse who I don't even remeber her name came to me and said she would wait for us to leave and walk her down to get an autopsy done. They asked us to leave and they undressed her and gave me the beautful gown she was wearing and even the hat. I can remember holding that dress and smelling it. It smelled like her. It even had a blood stain all the way down the front of it from them opening her chest back up. I would not trade it for the world. They gave us everything they had for her. We got every pack of diapers they opened. Every package of mouth swabs. Every blanket, shirt, book they read to her, shampoo bottle. Everything they sent us. I went home and put everything into a ziplock bag. I did not want to loose that scent. I remember all these details like it was yesterday. I don't remember the funeral or going to make the arrangements. I guess that is a good thing in some ways. If Maddison had not passed away I wouldn't have Peyton. I would not have this precious baby boy that has filled my life with such joy. I love both my children more than anyone can imagine.